It seems forever since I last added to my blog. Days fly by as if I am a bystander watching everyone else; other days seem the opposite. Patience, it would seem that I have none and yet most of the things I am doing on a daily basis require it. There are days where I have felt that I would be swept away, as if in the rapids of a river and unable to drown; only watch as I am thrust along with the water streaming past rocks and limbs caught up in the current. It's not as though I do not have days where things go well or I feel a reasonable sense of accomplishment. I seldom have days where I feel a greater sense of accomplishment.
Back in grade school, in fourth or fifth grade, we had an assignment, answer the following question: "If I ruled the world…". What does a nine or 10-year-old child answer to that? I always said I did not know what to say in response to the question. As near, as I can remember those types of questions I could have written pages upon pages in response to it. The problem is that my mind would race so fast I couldn't always focus long enough to stick to the topic and somewhere along the way, I would get sidetracked; my mind would wander into what I suppose most would call "their happy place." The difficulty in that is the assignment was forgotten and my page usually still blank when time was up.
To this day, I still have that problem. I really do love to write. Getting my mind to slow down long enough to stay on topic is the hard part. I think that's part of what I like about this blogging experience. I can bounce around and let my mind take me to the limits of my imagination and back again. I suppose it's a good thing no one really reads my blog/s I actually have several if you count notes in facebook, which occasionally are posted to my blog, not always but occasionally I come across something that I just want to post in both places.
I think my writing ability is driven by my emotions. What I mean by that is this; I need to be on an emotional extreme in order to write effectively. I need to let an emotional state consume me whether anger, ecstasy, sadness or bewilderment for some examples. It doesn't make sense to me but then again many things do not. I just accept them as a part of life eventually. Those seem to be when I can focus the most.
Depression is not conducive to writing at all. That seems to be a huge obstacle for me, unless I want to write about depression. That is just depressing in its self. I see the damned advertisements for anti-depressants on TV and god they are mother freaking depressing! I mean who wants to sit and watch a bunch of people showing how depression looks. I could look in the mirror if I wanted that. It doesn't really impress upon me the effectiveness of the medication they are hawking.
BORING!!! Just like this blog post. I usually delete these but this one I am going to post just for the heck of it. This is truly an odd moment as I feel the need to write something, anything. Just tapping random keys on the keyboard would suffice.
I can remember feeling each day when I was a kid not for something good to happen but just for nothing to go wrong. I do not remember many specific days where I felt that way just that left over feeling that seems to overshadow my memories. I do remember too many days where things did go wrong. How could I have ever held on to the thought that things would work out or what ever. I was so naive and gullible. I used to trust people and I learned that was one of my biggest mistakes. Who gets their kicks out of conning people into doing something that is designed to make them look like an idiot or a fool? I honestly hop that there is a special hell for people that get their kicks out of bullying people.
The well of inspiration is drying up. I just caught myself daydreaming rather than writing. So, this is the end of this blog post. Maybe I can find a way to shift my moods away from the Dark side, though they do have cookies.
